Bwah?
by GelibeanH20
Summary: It's hard enough to find friendship in these times, but to find love? Get real. The selections are somewhat narrow, and Captain is an egotistical maniac... but I really can't help myself. Let's just say at times, all I can say is... Bwah? Cap/Snip
1. Chapter 1

If someone asked me to describe Zee Captain, what would be the words that I chose? Well, to start off with, I'd say he was an egotistical, narcissistic maniac who cared only for himself and no one else, a man whose brain is so warped that I can't even _begin_ to comprehend it, and that he was the single stupidest, most selfish person alive—though that's not saying much, anymore—and the only person he could possibly be more intelligent than was Pilot.

And I'd be just getting warmed up.

But… for some reason, despite all that… I loved the way he smelled. Delicious, as he would say. I also relished how warm he was, and I loved his smile, which very few people have ever seen.

Let me back up a bit.

As usual, it was a dull, radioactive day. Clouds gathered over what was left of a once, bustling city. Little, less threatening mutants dipped and dodged in and out of the rubble. I was doing some urban exploring… also known as climbing up into a skyscraper which could potentially lead to my death in search of supplies. I hadn't _wanted_ to go up there, but there was another reason for it. Captain told me to climb the building.

He was holding an old Polaroid camera. I have no clue where he got it, but I figure it's better not to ask those kinds of questions. "Mien Snippy Sniper! Cease your verbiage and scale that there tower ascending into the heavens!" He pointed dramatically to the sky scraper.

"Why?" I asked, feeling dull and bored. It was one of those days when I just wanted to go back to bed. But if I did that, I would probably wake up wearing a fairy costume or something equally ridiculous.

Captain held up the old camera and shook it a little. "I shall take your picture, mien minion! It will look glorious in my wallet!"

"Huh," I said. "Does that camera even have any film in it?"

"Of course, silly Snipster!" He reached out and patted me on the head.

I slapped his hand away. "Knock it off."

He smacked my hand in return. "Do not raise your hand against your captain! Do you wish me to summon Pilot? I'm sure he would be very angry with you…"

"Bwah?! I-I mean, no. S-sorry, sir."

His tone instantly cheery again, he chirped in his German accent, "Excellent! Now, up the building you go, Mister Sniper! Make sure you get all the way to the tippy top!"

Ugh.

I turned and looked up at the large, teetering building. It didn't look friendly in the least.

I felt him shove me between the shoulder blades. "Off you trot, my pretty pony!"

Recovering from my short stumble, I trudged over to the building and began the slow climb to the top. Each stair my foot touched creaked, bowing under my weight. On top of that, there were no handrails and the walls on either side of me were all but completely gone. If I tripped, I wouldn't have any method of breaking my fall.

I cautiously tiptoed to the top, peeking into the more intact looking rooms for food and supplies. Fruitless. The place was demolished. Insulation was crumbling through the ceiling, the furniture was destroyed, and I was amazed that the stairs were even holding me up.

I eventually reached the top and peered out of the highest window, down to the ground. From ten stories, I saw Captain sitting on the ground, drawing in the dirt with a stick. I searched around for a chunk of rubble, then tossed it down to get his attention. It hit him on the shoulder with a little puff of ash.

"Oi!" he yelled, surprised. "Who was boobish enough to do that?"

I whistled. "Captain! Hey!"

His gaze travelled upwards, his hand over the brim of his cap to shield his eyes from the non-existent sunlight. "Hello!" He waved to me cheerily, in an over-exaggerated way.

I lazily waved back and waited as he got his camera in order. I didn't see the flash or hear a click, but I saw his thumbs up, indicating that I could come down, now.

Such a pointless exercise. I would bet anything that as soon as I came down, he would ask me to go right back up again so he could take another picture. Or better yet, he would realize that he had no film and would make me go hunt for it.

I sighed and began the trip back down the steps, double checking the rooms for supplies.

As I neared the bottom floor, the steps did something that I had honestly expected them to; they broke. My feet went out from under me, my arms windmilling. I grasped at the walls, but the insulation broke away in my hands. I tumbled down the stairs, crashing onto the landing, my shoulder painfully colliding with the opposite wall. Dazed, I tried to get my bearings and onto my feet.

Footsteps came up to the building, and a mask that I knew far too well peered inside at me. "Mister Snippy?"

Did he sound… worried?

"Hullo," I said, finally standing. "The stairs broke. I'm fine. I've lived through worse." I was tempted to mention that I had been pierced entirely through my torso and had somehow survived, but I didn't say it.

He skipped up to me and looked me over, as if checking for damage. I seemed fine, to him, but he brushed some of the dust off my shoulders, his fingers lingering a few moments longer than necessary.

He was taller than me. Not by much, but enough to force me to look up. I hated it. I also hated how he was still standing there, his hands on my shoulders, the polaroid camera lying on the ground, forgotten.

A new idea seemed to occur to him. "Mister Snippy! We are in the perfect position for dancing!"

"Bwah?" I certainly didn't like this new development. "I mean… what? Why? No! But…"

"Halt your fluttering," he said loudly, startling me into silence. His hand moved to my waist, the other grasping my hand. "Let us dance!"

I tried to pry myself away, but Captain is a strong man. He nearly crushed my fingers in his death grip, his other hand leaving a fresh bruise on my hip. Eventually, I gave up, placed my other hand on his shoulder, and let him pull me around on the floor of the old abandoned building as he hummed his own warped version of "Que Sera".

I had long ago come to grips with the fact that in the wasteland, I was always either cold, wet, or some combination thereof. However, since I had managed to neatly avoid all the puddles, I was just cold today.

Captain always seemed to be warm. I blamed it on the radiation. But it didn't stop me from inching closer to him, the iciness in my limbs melting away bit by bit.

"Ah! Mister Snippy wants to slow dance! So be it!"

"Bwah! No! Stop! Leggo!"

He wrapped his arms around me, both hands resting on the small of my back. I was forced to hold onto his shoulders. He completely closed the space between us, which I strongly disliked, being a man who valued personal space. However, I was always freezing to death, and Captain was a heat source. I relented, resting my chin on his shoulder.

"This reminds me of my youth," he said, his tone somewhat hushed. Odd, that. He normally spoke at full volume. "When I had a special lady-friend over. We went out dancing. Ah! Such lovely times before warfare! Mister Snippy, did you ever have a lady-friend?"

My face flushed. "No. Why do you care?"

"Just making conversation," he said, sounding defensive. "There are no more lady-friends, otherwise your captain would have a whole _harem_ to choose from! Ah, that would be nice…"

Okay. That's weird, even for him. I finally managed to shove him away, pushing away the warmth.

"Why do you break away, Mister Snippy?" he asked tentatively. "Were you not enjoying dancing with your sexy captain?" He traced his hand down his chest in what he must have thought to be an alluring way.

I frowned at him, my goggles conveying my emotion. "No, I wasn't. I'm going to go look for food, now."

He sighed a little. "If you must. Pilot has probably found us a place to sleep for tonight!"

A shiver went through my spine as I thought about what would have happened if Pilot had walked in on Captain and me while we were dancing. I probably would've gotten my throat slit. If that Engie guy had walked in, he probably would have started laughing.

It's weird. I feel like I know him from somewhere… Whatever. It doesn't matter anymore.

I turned to leave, but before I could exit the building, I felt a pair of hands on my stomach, and a warm, solid body pressed against my back. I put my hands over Captain's with the intent of pushing him off, but he gripped my fingers instead, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"You always seem cold, Mister Snippy," he mumbled in my ear. "Why do you never seek warmth with your Captain?"

I struggled half-heartedly. "Get off."

"Nein." He gripped me even tighter, holding me closer. My cheek felt hot.

"Please?"

"Nein."

I sighed. "Okay. But I need to look for food, soon."

One of his hands left my stomach, traced up my chest, over my shoulder, and to my neck. He hooked my hood with a fingertip and pulled it back.

"Ah… Captain, the radiation…"

"I had Mister Engie check it earlier. It should be perfectly safe." For some odd reason, his words were no longer muffled, as if he wasn't wearing his… mask?

His breath tickled my neck. I longed to turn on my heel and see his face, but I was also slightly afraid of what I might find.

I jumped and a little, "Bwah?" escaped me when I felt a pair of lips drop a quick kiss on my exposed neck. I quickly threw him off and turned around, but his mask was already in place.

"I must go and check up on the other minions!" he said, as if that brief interaction had never occurred. "I shall be seeing you, Mister Snippy! Come home before the street lamps come on!" He turned away and skipped off, singing some song about it being the end of the world.

Bwah?


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: *Gasp!* A curse! Mild swearing, but it's not like I dropped the N word or anything so don't freak out.**

**I also stole **Dark-Lady-Devinity's **idea of Pilot sleeping in the tub.**

**Fresh ideas welcome! :D**

I clambered over rubble, my mind not at all on the task at hand. I was still thinking about the way Captain and I had twirled around in that old abandoned sky scraper, and the way he held me close, and the way he pulled back my hood and…

"I can't believe that he did that!" I said, rather louder than necessary. My voice echoed off of the buildings.

"Who did what?"

I almost let out another yell. Instead, I pulled my gun off my back and cocked it, searching for the source of the voice. "Who is it? Show yourself!"

My eyes fell on Engie, who was standing at the bottom of the rubble pile I was scaling. He kind of waved at me, then turned away.

"Weird," I mumbled under my breath. I slid down the pile and jogged to catch up to him. "What're you doing out here?"

He shrugged in reply.

I sighed, not expecting any different. He had hardly said a word to me, even though he'd been a part of our squad for a few weeks. I couldn't be bothered to care, though.

"Did Captain send you out here to look for food?"

Grunt.

I assumed that meant yes.

"Let's go this way." I pointed past some less decayed buildings. "There are probably some supplies in there."

Another grunt.

"Okay."

We trudged through the desolate streets. I flinched every time Engie kicked aside a can or something. I slapped him in the back of the head. "Be quiet! There are mutants around here!"

Grunt.

I sighed. It was almost like talking to myself.

We proceeded with more caution, moving around foreboding pieces of metal. I silently indicated that we enter a nearby building, and he nodded in reply. We tiptoed through the sagging doorway and edged along the walls of the room.

_CRUNCH!_

"AUGH!"

I spun on my heel to see that Engie had fallen through the floor, into the basement.

"ENGIE!" I yelled.

No response.

Shit.

I quickly found a set of stairs that led down into the lower level, reached into my pocket and found a glow stick. I cracked it and cautiously ventured into the darkness, periodically calling out, "Engie? Engie, are you there?"

I eventually found him, under the hole where he had fallen through. I kneeled down next to him, sticking my glow stick into the wall for a better light source, and I reached back and felt his head. My glove came away without any blood.

I reached back and undid the straps on his mask so he could breathe more easily, and so I could check for further injury. All I saw was a bruise on his cheek. I pulled off his goggles, and drew in a sharp breath.

I… I _knew_ this man. He was one of the most famous men in the world before the fallout…

Dr. Alexander Gromov, Russian Engineer, Creator of ANNET.

If I was a less merciful man, I would have shot him on the spot. Thankfully for him, I had a small weakness for helping people… no matter how many people they've hurt.

It didn't stop me from slapping him, though. I know, I know. It was a petty, girlish thing to do, but it still felt good.

"Augh!" He sat bolt upright, his hand on his face. He noticed that his gear was missing, then he turned to me with panic in his amber eyes. "Charles…"

"It's Snippy," I said coldly.

"Oh."

"Damn right," I growled, clenching my fists. "You… this is all your fault!"

"Falling through the hole…?"

"God you're slow, Gromov! This whole freaking situation is your fault! It's your fault everyone is dead! Hell, it's your fault that I had a miserable life _before_ the apocalypse!"

He flinched at my every word. "Ah… Yes, that." His thick Russian accent was a little hard to discern, but it was hardly troublesome at the moment. I was mad. Red hot mad. I wanted to shoot something.

I growled and turned away, stomping back up the stairs. Who cares if I fell through? Not me.

By the time I exited the building, footsteps were following behind me. "Snippy, I…"

I pulled my gun off and aimed it at him. "Shut it, Gromov!" I yelled. "You're going to have to prove yourself really fucking useful before you'll _ever_ be forgiven for what you've done to the world… to me…"

He cowered from me. To frighten him, I let off a round about two feet away from where he was standing. I heard him whimper. Good.

He held up his hands in a submissive gesture. "Snippy, I know that there's nothing I will ever be able to do in this life or the next to make up for my past mistakes… but there are very few humans left. We can't really afford to kill each other, at this point."

I chewed harshly on my lower lip. True enough. It wasn't enough to make me less angry, but I put my gun away for the meantime. I heard him let out a distinct sigh of relief.

He took a few tentative steps towards me. I folded my arms, glaring at him. He stopped in his tracks.

"Charles…"

"Snippy."

"Right, sorry. Snippy. I was hoping to not have to tell you that I am… me… At least, not until I had become a valuable asset to the group."

"You have yet to prove yourself, Gromov. What can you possibly offer us?"

He perked up, like he was kind of looking forward to bragging about himself. Great.

"I'm a valuable technician," he said holding his hands behind his back. "I also have an adequate understanding of the human body… I could help by being a medical officer."

Medicine? I rubbed at the still-healing scar from the Cancer incident. "Hmm… Well, let's just say that you've captured my interest for the moment, Gromov."

I'm sure he was smiling behind his mask. "Thank you, Cha—Er, Snippy. You won't regret this. I promise."

Heh. Yeah, right.

We didn't talk any more as we perused the wastelands. That time period was exceedingly awkward, but I knew that if we chatted I may end up shooting him, then I would have to make up some lie about him getting eaten by a worm. By the time we returned to the base, darkness had fallen and I was forced to crack open another emergency glow stick, cursing at myself for being foolish enough to leave my other one behind. I would have to be more careful.

The new base was in a high rise, on the "tippy topiest floor" as Captain said when he met us at the bottom with Pilot.

"Minions!" he called with a flourish when we neared him. "What is that glowy-green thing that you possess?"

"A glow stick," I said, holding it up. The little beam made a blur when I waved it.

Captain seemed astounded. I imagined him to be goggle-eyed behind his mask. "Ooh… that is a beautiful treasure, indeed! Have you brought it as a gift for your captain? How kind of you, minion!"

"Bwah! No, let go of that!"

Too late. He had already snatched it, and now he stood before Pilot, holding it in the air.

"Behold this magic wand!" he declared.

"Ooh," said Pilot. "Glowy!"

"Indeed," he said gravely. "Do not take this object lightly, mein Pilot! With great power comes great responsibility!"

"Yessir!"

"Excellent! Now… Race you to the top!"

Pilot sprinted after Captain up the rickety flight of stairs. Gromov shook his head in disbelief and followed them up.

"I can't believe that this is happening," I heard him mutter, along with a few Russian words I didn't recognize.

I sighed with resignation, then plodded up to the building, up five long flights of stairs, and into the top room where Captain was waving the glow stick in the air, Pilot seemingly entranced by it.

"It's pretty…" he said with a sigh.

I rolled my eyes, spotted the deteriorating couch and collapsed down upon it, achy and tired. I pulled off my mask and goggles, tucking them into my backpack, then used my arm as a pillow. I watched through half-lidded eyes as Captain and Pilot danced with the glow stick, and as Gromov tinkered around with a little alarm clock before falling asleep with his chin to his chest in the corner. Pilot eventually yawned, took off his mask to show off his blonde hair, and went to go and find a bathtub to sleep in.

I don't know why he enjoys jumping out at me in the middle of the night when I go to use the washroom.

I felt myself drifting off to sleep. Before I could fully shut my eyes and succumb to the weightlessness of slumber, I heard soft footsteps and saw a green, glowing light. I opened up my eyes and saw Captain, holding the glow stick in two hands.

I grumbled and rolled over so my back was to him. "Put out that light!"

He didn't say a word, but he edged nearer. I felt a gloved hand under my head, gently lifting me up.

"Bwah?" I was too sleepy to protest as he sat down on the couch, then let my head rest in his lap. I pushed myself up and away from him, but he pulled me back down, utilizing his surprising strength.

"Go to sleep, Snippy," he said softly.

I took a deep breath. Big mistake. The sweet scent of minty tea filled my nose, making me even more drowsy. I sighed as his fingers played with my hair, soothing me into sleep.

"Sleep well, mein Sniper."

That's the last thing I remember.

**(A/N: BAMF! AHAHA! This was up WAAY sooner than I thought it was gonna be! I'm going on a camping trip tomorrow, and I won't be back until Monday, so you can expect your update sometime soon. If anyone has any ideas for me, don't hesitate to shout out, I'd love some suggestions!)**


	3. Chapter 3

I woke up alone. My jacket was missing, however, and in its place was Captain's grey coat. I opened my eyes a little wider and looked out the window. Cold air was whooshing through the building through the broken windows, causing me to instinctively grip the coat and draw it closer. I couldn't see anything outside—it was still dark out.

I sighed and allowed my eyes to close again, nestling down slightly. The scent of Captain's coat washed over me. My heart pounded in my chest. I had no idea why the sweet scent of _tea_ was making me feel this way. I also had no idea how I never noticed the way he smelled before…

I mentally smacked myself. _Why would I notice? Why should I care?_

Other questions plagued me. _What the hell was up with yesterday? Captain was acting so weird… well, weird_er_. What, with the dancing and that… kiss… and the way he let me—MADE me sleep in his lap… What the heck?_

I sighed. _Stop overreacting, Charles. Captain's just being weird again. Things will be back to normal today._

I was wide awake, now. My brain had started to run away with me, and when that happens I can't usually go back to sleep. I cautiously got up, Captain's coat falling off of me, onto the floor. I stretched, yawned, put on my mask and goggles, then started to hunt around for my coat. I even peeked in the bathroom, only to find Pilot still asleep, snuggling up with his stuffed puffin.

Mr. Kittyhawk is kind of a stupid name.

I began to shiver, realizing that I couldn't go on without wearing a coat. Slowly and preparing for the worst (I don't know what it would be. Maybe Captain kept mice in his pockets or he was going to trap me in his coat.), I donned the jacket. It was surprisingly warm, and very soft and comfortable.

_I wonder if some of his luck rubbed off on his coat. Maybe it'll rub off on me…_ I laughed a little. As if.

I started searching around for my jacket again, eventually heading downstairs and checking out the individual apartments below where we were staying. It was a long way down, then back up, then I finally discovered a little staircase back on the top floor. It led up to the roof.

I stepped outside, the door giving a rusty creak, and I finally found my jacket. Captain was wearing it, and he was sitting at the edge of the roof, his legs dangling over the edge. I saw him kicking his feet back and forth. It reminded me of when I was a child, back before the world was gone, and I spent a summer out by the ocean. I used to sit on the pier, watching the water go by below me, and I would kick my feet as I fished.

"Mister Snippy?"

I was jerked out of my memories quite abruptly. "Yessir?"

Captain looked up at me, then patted the spot beside him. "Come sit by your Captain."

I took a seat next to him, letting my feet dangle over the edge. I tried not to look down.

"Mister Snippy, take a minute to admire the view. Watch the sunrise with me." He waved his arm in a grand, sweeping gesture.

_You can't even see the sun,_ I was about to say, but somehow I managed to restrain myself. I clamped my mouth shut and kept my eyes trained towards the east. A little stripe of lighter grey was along the horizon, indicating that the sun was just beyond. That light was enough to illuminate the tops of some of the nearby buildings. It was beautiful in a spooky, depressing way.

I started when I felt a hand on my shoulder, pulling me closer to Captain. "You look chilled, Mister Snippy. You should snuggle with the mighty Captain! I am a never ending heat source!"

True enough, I suppose. I let him draw me near. He rested his head on my shoulder and I stiffened slightly.

"Relax, mein Sniper," he said softly. "Take a moment and relax."

So much for today being a little more normal.

I almost jumped off the side of the building when he pinched my butt.

"BWAH?!" I smacked his hand away, got to my feet and backed up a few steps. "W-what was that?"

I heard a small snicker, then a chuckle, then a loud laugh. Before I knew it, Captain was clutching at his ribs, rolling on the rooftop, laughing and gasping for breath.

I was stupefied. I couldn't move. I watched as he slapped his hand on the asphalt, trying to breathe but hardly being able to.

"Mister Snippy!" he gasped out. "I… I had no idea that your reaction would be quite so… so amusing! HA!" He drew in a deep breath, got to his feet, then took a sip from his mug. "Ah. A good laugh is an excellent way to start off the day! You're a good minion!" He reached over and patted me on the head.

"Can I have my coat back?" I asked, smacking his hand away. I'd had enough physical contact from him to last a lifetime.

He tilted his head, as if thinking about it. "Hmm. Maybe…" He drew out the word, as if he was going to make me run some sort of stupid mission in order to retrieve it.

"If you can catch me first!" he said, taking off down the stairs.

"Bwah?" I shook my head, then started off after him. I tried to run quietly, which is hard to do, because Gromov and Pilot were asleep. I didn't want to get them involved in this foolishness, if it was at all possible. After I descended half the stairs, following Captain's hooting laughter, I abandoned being quiet and pelted after him with all the energy I had.

I finally caught up to him when we were on the ground floor. Without thinking, I used a quick burst of strength to launch myself at him, and we tumbled onto the ground. I pinned him there, my hands on his shoulders, him looking up at me.

"Gotcha!" I said, panting. Sweat poured down my brow. I felt hot inside Captain's long coat.

He chuckled. It may have been my imagination, but I heard a slight nervous tone to it. "Indeed you did, Mister Snippy."

I felt my cheeks start to burn with blush. "Yeah."

"Your captain gives you permission to move, if you wish, but I find that I am quite comfortable here."

"Bwah?" I retracted my hands quickly. I was just about to get off of him, but he gripped my thighs tightly and sat up. When I was on his lap, we were just about the same height. He was so close to me, if we weren't wearing masks I would have been able to feel his breath.

"Charles?"

That was odd. I wasn't even sure that he knew my real name. "Yes?"

"Do you ever get lonely in the wasteland?" He rested his chin on my shoulder, closing the space between us.

This question startled me. It wasn't like Captain to be so… serious. "Um… I guess. I don't usually have time to feel sorry for myself, though. I'm usually finding supplies, fighting mutants or running stupid missions."

"I know they're foolish."

"What?"

"I know the missions are silly," he said. "Your wonderful Captain is very clever, you see? Missions take your mind off of the horrible life we have currently. Busy work."

"Oh… Really?"

"Really. Isn't your captain clever?"

I dug my fingers into his shoulders. All those days of _pointless missions…_ and he _knew_ they were pointless? Of all the unfair things in the history of the world… I couldn't help voicing my thoughts. "I could have _died_ on one of those missions, you know."

"Nonsense!" His usual confidence was back. "Your sexy captain will always protect you! My extraordinary luck surrounds mien minions!"

"Oh yeah?" I growled. "But what about when you're off doing something stupid? What if I get eaten or something? You can't protect me. Don't make promises you can't keep."

I have no idea why I said those things. Partly because I was tired, partly because I was uncomfortable, mostly because I was mad. Mostly at him, but also the knowledge of Gromov's continued existence was working its way back into my mind.

Captain's fingers started to play down my back. "You are a skilled Sniper. You will be safe."

It was obvious that he was trying to reassure me. Being the nice guy I am, I decided to let my anger go… at least for the time being. I allowed him to hold me close, rubbing small circles in my back.

"You look very handsome in my coat, Mister Snippy," he said with a tone of playfulness in his voice. "You strike a handsome figure on most days, though."

"Bwah?" I said. "Well… I mean… Thanks, I guess. You look good in my coat, too."

What the hell did I just say?

"I knew that, of course," he said, brushing off my compliment. "Your captain _always_ looks delicious!"

Truthfully, I was glad that he ignored the compliment. My cheeks had gone bright red. I was also glad that I was wearing my gas mask.

Captain pulled away and looked at me, tilting his head. "Mister Snippy, your goggles always make you look annoyed."

Do they? I wouldn't know. It's not like there are any _mirrors_ around anymore, and most of the glass windows were broken.

Before I could stop him, he reached behind my head and pulled off my goggles, followed by my mask. He laughed and clapped his hands as the gear fell to the ground. "Mister Snippy! I just _knew_ your eyes would be blue! So beautiful! It's the loveliest colour I've seen since the fallout!"

I blushed. This time, I knew he could see it. "Thanks," I murmured. I smelled the mint again and I let out a little sigh. "Did you know that you smell like mint?"

"Really?" he sounded curious. "How intriguing! I never noticed before! You smell manly. Like… musk, I suppose."

Bwah? He had smelled me?

I decided not to ask.

My legs were starting to fall asleep, so I grabbed my gear, replaced it, then stripped off his jacket. "Trade you."

He sighed. "If you insist." He unzipped my coat and passed it to me.

I noticed that he was wearing a white t-shirt underneath with the G-cube logo on it. Anger festered in me when I saw that. Old memories. I knew that he probably couldn't get his hands on another shirt, so I decided to let it go.

I traced the contours of his forearms, and I caught a glimpse of the back of his neck before he replaced his coat. A piece of light brown hair with some purple streaks was poking out before it was hidden. I had no idea where he could have possibly gotten hair dye.

I went back upstairs to try and find something to eat from my bag. By the time I got there, Gromov and Pilot were both awake. Pilot had my backpack between his knees, and he was sitting on the floor rummaging through.

"There's the shoe!" he said when I came into the room. "Where were you? We want food, now!"

"There's some in there, just look. Pass me a can."

Pilot tossed bits and pieces of hardware out of my bag, onto the floor. He came up with a few cans, passed one to Gromov, then cracked open one for himself.

Before I could grab one, Gromov snatched a can from Pilot, opened it up with one of the little tools he kept in his pockets, then passed it to me. "Here you go Char—Er, Snippy."

"Thanks," I said, plucking it from his fingers. He passed me a spoon. "Thanks, again."

I watched him as he stared at me. I took a seat on the couch, then I realized something… he was being a kiss-up. I grinned from behind my mask. He was scared that I was going to kick him out! Oh, this was _too_ good.

I managed to erase my smile before pulling off my mask and taking a few bites of breakfast. _This is gonna be fun,_ I thought.

Just then, Captain walked into the room, rubbing his hands together. "Minions! I have a mission for you!"

**A/N: I got back from camping! Yaaay! It was exciting. I got thrown around on the boat a lot (which is what happens when you don't sit in a proper seat), and I watched Robert and Russel fix a boat engine with DUCT TAPE. WHAT. WHY?!**

**It was an exciting adventure, nonetheless.**

**As usual, does anyone have any ideas for me? I've been utilizing the few I've gotten (thanks to all!), but I'll always welcome more.**


	4. Chapter 4

"You… you want us to find sausages and… beer?" Gromov looked incredulous. "We should be searching for spare filters or food that would actually be edible! The chances of us finding such things are so incredibly slim…"

I rolled my eyes. "You're not used to the drill, Gromov."

Captain clapped his hands. "Well said, Mister Snippy! It is Oktoberfest time!"

"What's Oktoberfest?" asked Pilot.

Captain pointed at him. "That… is an excellent question! Oktoberfest, mein Pilot, is the lovely festival celebrating the quality things in life, such as beer and sausages! It is a wonderful time of year, filled with tastiness and wonderful ninjas bearing the gifts of the four horsemen!"

I blinked. I wasn't very familiar with Oktoberfest (I believe it's a German holiday, and I've never been to Germany), but I was very sure that it wasn't anything _close_ to what Captain said it was.

Captain whirled on his heel and pointed dramatically at his most eager minion. "Pilot, take Mister Engie to the lower side of this city! Be careful, the downtown area is a little busy at this time of year! Don't get mugged!"

"Augh!" Gromov gasped for air as Pilot seized his hood and dragged him backwards out the base.

"Mister Snippy, you shall come with me."

I swallowed. Uh oh. "Uh… Captain, I can go on my own."

He waved his hand. "Nonsense! I am feeling nostalgic for the old days! We shall wander together!"

As expected, he grabbed my hand and dragged me down the steps. What was odd was that he held onto it for a long time afterwards as we descended the stairs, intertwining our fingers together. I looked around, feeling feverish. If Pilot spotted me…

Too late. As we reached the bottom steps, we found Pilot kicking Gromov, who was curled up on the ground, protecting his ribcage. He had obviously fallen down the stairs.

"Get… off…" he huffed.

"Get up, you jiggly slug!"

"Pilot!" called Captain, waving his hand. "Yoo-hoo! Leave Mister Engie alone! He can't very well serve his glorious Captain in the name of all that is shaped like doors with broken ribs now, can he?"

"No sir!" He gave a salute. I saw him stiffen as he looked down and saw our hands joined. He clenched his fists, his shoulders tensing.

Oh shit.

"Captain?" he asked softly. It was eerie to hear him talking so quietly, and through gritted teeth. I instinctively tightened my grip. In reflection, that was probably a bad move.

"What are you doing with that shoe?" he burst out, sounding tearful. "You could be with me! You _should_ be with me! We can run away to the land of pancakes and happiness where flying monkeys roam wild and free! We can catch unicorns together! _WHY ARE YOU WITH THAT SHOE?_"

I immediately tried to pull away. Captain, however, grabbed me around the waist and held me close, pressing me into him. "Mister Snippy is not a shoe! He is the ticket to gelatinous rainbows!"

Bwah?

I pushed my hands against his shoulders, trying to pry myself away. But as I've already mentioned, Captain is very strong. He held me tighter, crushing me to him as he and Pilot began to ramble at each other. I think Captain eventually switched to yelling at him in German.

Dang, that's a scary language. It made him sound even more irritated.

Gromov sat up, staring at the spectacle. He looked at Pilot, who was cowering from the wrath of Captain but still holding his own, then at me. I was still trying to pry myself away to no avail. He put a palm over his gas mask as if suppressing laughter.

I dug my fingers into Captain's shoulders, irritated on more than one level. I looked over to Pilot, who was crouching on the ground, his arms wrapped around his knees as Captain continued shouting.

"Captain, I think you're scaring Pilot…" I said.

He softened immediately, switching back to English. "Sorry, Snippy," he said quietly.

"Don't apologize to me!" I snapped. I pointed at Pilot, who was sniffling quietly behind his mask. I was sure he was crying. "Go say sorry to him!"

I stiffened a little, realizing that I had just given Captain an _order_. Bwah?

Thankfully, he let me go and wandered over to Pilot. He kneeled down next to him and put a hand on his shoulder. I couldn't hear what he was saying to him, but Pilot threw his arms around Captain's neck and sobbed.

I brushed myself off and started out the door. The other could sort out their stupid problems on their own.

"Mister Snippy!"

Great.

Captain jogged up to me and linked our arms together. "Let us trek onwards, Mister Snippy!"

I groaned and allowed myself to be dragged along. I turned my head away to scan the landscape for dangers, and the next thing I knew something hard collided with the back of my head and I was out like a light.

Ugh… not again.

When I woke, I was upside down. I wish I could say that this was unusual for me. I looked around, trying to get my bearings. I immediately noticed that my mask and goggles were off, and they appeared to be decorating a withered little tree that was draped with sausages and popcorn strands. I then noticed that Captain's mask was also on the tree. I didn't think much of it at the time, since I was much more concerned about getting down from wherever I was.

I looked down—or, more appropriately, up—at my body. My feet were tied to the ceiling, which was groaning with my weight.

_SNAP!_

The ceiling gave way and I crashed onto the floor. "Bwah!" I tried to break my fall, but it wasn't much use. I was lucky that my neck didn't snap.

"Mister Snippy?"

A stick smacked me on the back of the head. "Ouch!" I put my hand to the bruise and whipped around to look at the culprit. My jaw went slack.

Captain was standing there, grinning at me, holding a long wooden rod in his hands. I hadn't ever seen his face before.

His nose was dead straight, his teeth were surprisingly white, and his light brown hair was purple in parts. His dark brows were sharply defined, underneath which his violet eyes sparkled with mischief. A thin scar was etched across one eyebrow.

I hadn't really known what to expect, but I'd be lying if I said I was displeased by what I saw.

He seemed to notice that I was staring, and he patted his face absently. "Ah! Yes! The radioactivity isn't prominent here! Your delicious captain thought that it would be fitting to get a breath of deliciously fresh gummy-bear air before the Oktoberfest! I thought you would make a splendid Piñata, filled with candy treats and nuclear warfare!"

I was still staring. I couldn't help myself. He was kind of… handsome. I felt my face flush as I thought this.

Captain's grin only widened. He dropped the stick and plopped on the ground next to me. "I notice you are admiring my handsome face-thing," he said, rubbing his jaw thoughtfully. "Why is _your_ face-thing so flower coloured?"

Flower coloured? Did he mean pink?

I put a hand to my cheek, looking away. "It's nothing."

I felt a hand under my chin, tilting my head towards him. My eyes went wide. I could hardly breathe. He smiled at me, leaning a little closer, until the tips of our noses were touching. My heart was pounding in my ears. I felt his breath on my lips.

"Bwah?" I said quietly.

"What?" he asked, drawing back. "Is something wrong?" The concern in his eyes looked sincere.

I shook my head, then tried to divert the conversation. "Nothing. We probably shouldn't be here. This building is on the verge of collapse."

He sighed. "True, I suppose. The vengeful ghosts of the candy canes and leather jackets will come haunting."

He was still a weirdo, even when he wasn't shouting at full volume. If anything, the newest developments were even stranger than any antics before, including tying me to that billboard and gluing a bucket to my head.

I had to ask. I just had to.

"What's with the… the…" I wasn't exactly sure how to phrase it. I got to my feet and grabbed my mask, pulling it on and donning my goggles. "What's with the sudden change in behavior?"

"Mister Snippy, hand me my mask and goggles."

I sighed. It felt like he was avoiding the question. I handed the objects to him and watched him put them on.

"So… what about it?" I asked again.

"I'm not sure what you mean by that statement," he said crisply, getting to his feet.

"I mean… the hugging and the handholding…" I trailed off, not really wanting to pursue the argument.

_Too late,_ I thought. _You're already down the rabbit hole, Alice._

Shut up. I'm Charles.

Captain shook his head. "Is it inappropriate for your delicious captain to want to show affection towards his underlings?"

Yes.

I didn't say so, though.

I merely shrugged. "I'm just curious about why it's starting up _now_, after all this time." If I had known that I was getting myself in to this kind of crazy when I met him, I would have turned promptly around and headed in the opposite direction.

He ignored me and started singing the "national anthem" again, twirling in circles and skipping. Every time he landed, there was a loud THUD and some dust fell from the ceiling. We eventually made it out of the building in one piece. I was kind of amazed.

Captain then sent me off to go and search for sausages and beer while he made some "decorations". I won't bore you with the details. Let's just say that I was chased by two worms, I found six empty cans of beer and one full one, I found a package of mouldy sausages that were glowing a conspicuous shade of chartreuse and I fell off a rock pile, severely bruising my ribs and my thigh.

When I got back to the base, Pilot and Engie had somehow managed to round up three other cans of beer and another package of sausages that _wasn't_ glowing. I was greeted by a noisemaker being blown in my ear by Pilot, then Captain threw a giant stuffed pony with missing eyes at me.

"HAPPY OKTOBERFEST!" yelled Pilot, throwing confetti in the air.

"LET US SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM!" yelled Captain, who was dumping beer in his mug.

"QUE SERA SERA!"

"WHATEVER WE MAKE WILL BE!"

"THE FUTURE IS OURS TO FORGE!"

"QUE SERA SERA!"

Gromov stared at the two of them, looking baffled. He shook his head, sighed, and pulled off his mask. "Snippy, do you want a sausage? Yours look a little… fluorescent."

I looked at the package I had dropped on the floor. "So? Extra protein, I'll bet."

He chuckled, then tossed me a can of beer. "Do you want a sausage?"

"Okay." I took a seat next to him, and he passed me one of the largest sausages. Hmm. I caught him looking at me expectantly.

What a suck up. I took off my mask, then popped part of the sausage in my mouth. It wasn't that bad.

_I wonder how I'm going to utilize Gromov… Well, I bet I can get him to do a mission for me! Hah!_

I sighed, putting it out of my mind for the moment. I watched Captain dance a somewhat intimate waltz with Pilot. A strange feeling permeated through my chest, making my mouth taste sour.

Jealous? Me? Pff. No. Of course not.

**A/N: Hee. I'm such a tease! Expect more almost-kisses in the future!**

**Yay! I'm in Vancouver, now. Good stuff. The ferry ride wasn't… terrible, I guess. Let's see… we released a turtle, I took my brother swimming and I'm going to get (another) ear piercing. Not a bad lot. Oh, and art classes are tomorrow! I may post some of the products online at my deviantart account (also GelibeanH20, for those who don't know).**

**I'm open to suggestions for the next chapter!**


	5. Chapter 5

I had two sausages, since Gromov surrendered his to me. For the record, I didn't threaten him, but he could probably tell that I was getting tense after Captain and Pilot tried to force me into a fairy princess costume.

God I hate those guys.

I fell asleep on the couch, again. Captain didn't try to get me to sleep on his lap, this time, but he stood over me, staring at me as I tried to fall asleep. I'll tell you, it's certainly not easy trying to relax and close your eyes when a certain someone is giving you a creepy look. I'd be lying if I said that he wasn't emitting a creepy serial-killer vibe like he was going to cut my hands off or something as soon as I drifted off.

Well… truthfully, I should have probably been more worried about him molesting me or something in my sleep, especially judging by the way he's been acting towards me, lately.

I couldn't figure it out. One day it was, "Mister Snippy! Go into the dangerous cave and make sure there are no radioactive bears!", the next it was, "Mister Snippy! Come dance with me! I shall hold you uncomfortably close!"

I just don't understand it.

Speaking of uncomfortably close, when I woke up, Captain was clinging to me like an octopus, his arms constricting my chest, his legs tangled with mine.

"Bwah?" I said sleepily.

He was snoring lightly, his breath whistling through his mask, which was digging sharply into my collarbone. Ouch. I tried to pry him off, but his arms only tightened, and he murmured something about the ultimate banana lord.

I realized that trying to get him off of me would be a fruitless exercise, so I allowed him to cuddle up to me. I let my fingers gently play over his cap, rubbing my thumb along the circular edge.

"Mister Snippy?"

"Yes?"

"Today, we're going on an adventure!"

Bwah? I didn't like the sounds of that.

**A/N: Okay, I have to apologize for that short chapter. I have several excuses prepared.**

**Excuse 1: I'm on vacation, so sue me. I'm too busy for this, but because of all the support I've been getting I've been guilted into updating again. I'm loving this probably way more than you guys are, and I couldn't resist.**

**Excuse 2: I wanted to switch POVs to Captain, but I hate doing that in one chapter (It's unprofessional, for me, and I pride myself on being professional).**

**Excuse 3: I would have removed this part entirely, but I really liked it.**

**So… onto the next chapter! Update soon, I promise! I'm going back home on Friday, so I should be updating more frequently. Probably.**


	6. Chapter 6

**I AHM SORRY. I just kept forgetting about this. I decided to quickly dash out another chapter before school starts on the third. Depending on how things play out, you may or may not get more chapters than normal. I'm usually more productive when I'm busy. After all: if you want something done, ask a busy person!**

**This is from Captain's POV.**

I cannot explain why, but I love watching Mister Snippy sleep. I do know that he has… disturbing… dreams. Nightmares. I hear him cry out in his sleep. But despite this, it takes a bellowing elephant to rouse him.

I never bothered to disguise my fascination in watching him. I liked to think that he felt protected when I stood watch over him at night, but I often caught a glimpse of a fearful or irritated expression in those bright blue eyes. Usually, he makes a face, turns his back to me, then drops off to sleep within a few minutes.

This night was no different. Mister Snippy was a little cranky after the princess dress fiasco. He kept sending me daggers with his eyes. He couldn't see behind this silly mask, but I was smiling at him. He is usually angry at me, so I've chosen not to mind anymore.

When he slept he looked so… peaceful. I longed to reach out and run my hand down the side of his face. I slowly touched his cheekbone, tracing nonsense patterns down to his neck. His brow furrowed in his sleep, but his expression smoothed out after a few moments.

Such a peaceful face.

As the night wore on, I grew tired of simply watching. I could not stand it a second longer.

Without hesitation, I wound my arms tightly around his torso, laid down on the couch next to him and rested my head on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat, solid and comforting. His breathing was the thing that eventually lulled me into slumber myself.

"Bwah?"

That was the first thing I heard when I woke. I didn't look up at him, yet. I allowed the minutes to pass. His fingers traced along the edge of my cap. It was lovely.

I held him a little more tightly. "Mister Snippy?"

"Yes?" His voice was hesitant, and a little wary.

A wide, hidden grin broke over my face. "Today, we're going on an adventure!"

"Oh… goody."

"Don't be like that!" I sat up on him, planted my hands on his shoulders and pinned him down. To my amusement, pink spread across his cheeks.

"Get off."

"No." My fingers gripped onto the sides of his hood and I snuggled back down, our legs tangling together.

"Bwah… Uh… I-I…" He floundered for a minute, then gave up and started tracing his finger along the rim of my cap again. Soothing. I heard his heartbeat gradually slow. He started humming lightly. I held back a laugh as I recognized the national anthem of Captainia.

"Que Sera, Sera…" I said lazily.

He chuckled. "Yeah."

I poked at his chest. "We must seek out the Ultimate Banana Lord, Mister Snippy."

"Why?"

"So he can give us delicious banana cookies, of course!" Minions ask such silly questions, sometimes.

"Ah. Of course."

"Yes," I said. "He is located quite far away from here. It will be quite a hike!"

I heard him sigh ever so slightly. "Hmm. Okay." Clearly, he wasn't thrilled. Probably because he was still sleepy.

"The Ultimate Banana Lord is a being to be feared, indeed," I said, my voice softening.

"Really?" he asked with interest. I got the feeling he was mocking me, but I ignored it. "What's he like?"

"Tall," I said, suppressing a yawn. "Yellow."

"Is that all?"

"No."

"Oh?"

"But I'm not entirely sure. I've never met him."

There was a slight pause. "Aha." He sounded amused.

I ignored this, too, and pushed myself up, jumping onto my feet. "Well! We have quite a day ahead of us, don't we?"

"Yeah." Snippy slung his legs over the side of the couch and stretched. His shirt rode up on his stomach. I resisted the urge to poke his belly-button.

He rubbed at his eyes and ruffled his hair. "I'm going to go hunt around for some food. Why don't you wake Gromov and Pilot?"

"Excellent idea, Mister Snippy!" I clapped my hands. Sometimes he had wonderful ideas!

He nodded, replacing his mask and goggles, hiding his handsome face from me.

Sigh.

Too bad.

I watched him head down the stairs before jumping over to Engie and yanking hard on his hood, jerking him from sleep.

"AUGH!" His head snapped up and cracked into the wall he was leaning against. It sounded ouch.

He moaned a little and rubbed his head. "Seven… Ugh… Don't do that…"

Seven? It had been a long time since I had been called that. I remembered distinctly not liking it.

I told him this. "Don't call me Seven. My name is Zee Captain."

I must have sounded a little scary because I could see his wide eyes behind his amber goggles. "Oh… Sorry, Captain…"

I waved a dismissive hand before his nose. "Never you mind. I have a very important task for you."

He crossed his arms, head tilted to the side and begging the question with his posture.

"I want you to build me a unicorn!"

Silence for a moment. "A unicorn?" His every syllable was choked.

"Yes, mein minion! A unicorn. Can you do that?"

"I…"

"Excellent!" Pleased with his accepting attitude, I dashed off in search of Pilot. As predicted, he was curled up in the bathtub with Mister Kittyhawk. What a lovely friendship they share! Like me and my Snippy…

Pilot was always a light sleeper. As soon as he heard my boots enter the room, he leaped out of the tub and stood at attention with a salute. Ah! So eager!

"Pilot!" I said, folding my hands under my chin. "We are off to go search for the Ultimate Banana Lord today!"

"Oh! Great! When do we go?"

"When Snippy gets back and Engie finishes making the unicorn."

"Don't count on it!" he shouted from the next room. I ignored him.

"Mein Pilot," I said, tapping the front of my mask ponderfully. "Would you be so kind as to fetch me a pair of flying shoes?"

"Sir, yes sir!" he said loudly. "Flying things are my specialty!"

"Of course they are," I said warmly. "Now hurry! Be back before breakfast!"

He zoomed off, his arms straight out to the side like airplane wings, making whooshing sounds as he flew down the stairs.

Such an imagination!

While my minions busied themselves amongst their various tasks, I explored the territory around the base, putting up nice colourful, "KEEP OUT" signs. Honestly, many of our neighbors have no concept of personal space! Why, one fellow with a long cloak and very long fingers just waltzed right into our last base and gave us quite a fright. Mister Snippy showed him out, but his voice was a little funny—higher than normal. I didn't think much of it, but he later explained that our visitor intended to eat us, which really wasn't very nice. I'm glad Mister Snippy managed to get rid of him.

I hummed to myself as I tacked the last sign up on a building, then picked up a rock and tossed it viciously at a nearby traffic light. It was mocking me so, with its shiny red and green glass. I smiled as it shattered into a billion Christmas-coloured pieces.

"Captain?"

I turned my head. Mister Snippy was behind me, his bag slung over his shoulder and his gun hanging down by his side.

I could feel my cheeks heat a little, fogging my goggles ever so slightly. Very handsome. Very striking. Almost as handsomely striking as myself.

"Hello, mien Sniper!" I said cheerily, waving him over. He complied, to my delight, and came to stand beside me.

"Hi," he said. He still sounded a little tired, and a little winded. One hand was wrapped protectively around his ribs.

I decided to do a quick test.

I poked him in the chest.

"OW!" He swore colourfully, then diminished it down to a whimper. "Why did you do that?"

"Just to see if you were hurt."

"I am! Don't do that!"

"What happened?"

He muttered something about slipping when running away from a mutant.

When I was small and got skinned knees from running around outdoors, my Mama would always give me a hug. It was like medicine. It made me feel better. I closed my arms around Snippy's torso, nestling our fronts together, resting my chin on his shoulder.

"Captain?" His voice was oddly high.

"Yes?"

He flinched a little. I spoke too loud. Oops.

"Nothing," he said with a sigh. He unwound his arm from around himself and wrapped it around my shoulders.

Ah! Interesting!

"Mister Snippy!" I said joyously. "I never knew you gave such wonderful hugs!"

"Uh… Yeah, I guess?"

I stepped back and pointed a finger at him. He went cross-eyed trying to focus on it. Funny!

"I promote you to senior hugging officer!" I said.

"Bwah?"

I took that to mean yes.

**A/N: There! Not too bad for a slacker, eh? The future of this story is undetermined. Suggestions are very welcome!**


	7. Chapter 7

It was about midday by my pocket watch when we set out in search of the Ultimate Banana Lord. Pilot and Mister Snippy had to spend a good amount of time trying to convince Doctor Engie into coming along, despite his incompetence at refusing to build the unicorn. Eventually, Mister Snippy yelled, "DAMMIT, GROMOV!" and grabbed him, tossing him over his shoulder like a sack of flour. Pilot started giggling at this, and I let out a chuckle. Amusing. Engie was throwing a temper tantrum!

"PUT ME DOWN!"

"Not until you prove that you can walk."

"I CAN'T PROVE THAT UNTIL YOU PUT ME DOWN!"

Snippy dropped him gracelessly onto the ground, and Doctor Engie scrambled to his feet immediately.

"I'll walk," he said, his tone icy.

Mister Snippy grunted. "Good. Carry the supplies, so you can at least be a _little_ useful."

Doctor Engie shot him a few nasty words that aren't fit for this PG-13 tale, snatched up the backpack and stomped away, muttering to himself in Russian. My Russian isn't so good, anymore, but I do know that he was complaining about Snippy and calling him a "stupid bossy codger" or somesuch thing.

I waltzed elegantly up to Snippy and put a hand on his back. He didn't shrug away from my touch. If anything, he leaned into it. Ah! Improvement!

We started to migrate through the landscape, ascending teetering structures of abandoned vehicles. Knowing Snippy's terrible luck, he stepped on a loose piece of rubble and nearly tumbled down the whole pile!

"BWAH!" His arms started windmilling around him in a funny way, but there was no time to laugh at that. I reached out and snatched him right out of the air, my hand closing around his. I yanked him back and he collided with me, but I didn't tip.

"Bwah?" Mister Snippy's voice was much quieter, almost a little shy. He looked away, brushing himself off and tugging our hands apart.

Too bad.

I had a queer, niggly feeling in the back of my head that I couldn't place. I felt it often, one of the last times being around the Cancer incident. I don't know what it was. Premonition, perhaps? In any case, the best thing to do is to ignore it.

We trudged onward to the Ultimate Banana Lord, Pilot doing us the courtesy of humming a little tune. It was most pleasant until Doctor Engie threatened to rip his head off. It wasn't very nice, and Mister Snippy took immediate action by muttering a few quiet words to the Doctor which made him straighten up and apologize hastily.

Despite being the Senior Hugging Officer, Mister Snippy was certainly an effective disciplinary when it came to our new intern.

The hideout of the Banana Lord was on the horizon. I told this to Mister Snippy and he sighed, nodding slightly. He still seemed a little tired, but he usually sounded that way. He didn't object when I put an arm around his waist, hugging him close. He gave me a queer look, but I ignored it.

Pilot turned on his heel and noticed me. Snippy tensed under my hand. I pulled him a little closer.

"Captain?" he asked, sounding bitter, his voice strained. "Why are you with that shoe?"

"We've been over this, Pilot," I said. "Leave Mister Snippy _alone!_"

Pilot ducked his head. "Sorry, Captain."

I could feel Mister Snippy's disapproving gaze boring into me, so I hastily forgave him. Snippy relaxed a little against me when Pilot turned away and started throwing sticks at Engie.

"Captain?"

I turned towards him and tilted my head. "Yes, Mien Snippy?"

He coughed lightly. "Why are you doing this? I mean… the hugging and the handholding and… stuff…"

Such a persistent minion. I was hoping he would forget and simply accept his Captain's glorious affections. Apparently not.

I rubbed little circles on the various bruises he had on his hips and ribs. I chose my words very carefully. "I'm just finding the cold world a little lonely, that's all. I'm sure you are, too."

"Oh." Pause. "Is that it?"

I clamped my mouth shut, willing him to interpret my silence in a positive manner.

The quiet dragged on. Crunching snow under our boots and Engie's occasional cursing were the only sounds. The wind clung to us, waiting for a word.

Snippy didn't say anything, but I felt an arm on my back, sliding around my shoulders. My heart gave a little flip.

Acceptance.

**A/N: Yaaaay! I'm aware that this is kind of short, but I'm kind of doing this on the fly. As usual, I'd love some suggestions! I have an idea for the next chapter, but I just felt like right here was a good place to put a break. I'm planning on going for more chapters, more often but have them be a little shorter, rather than not many chapters not often and having them longer. Does that sound good?**

**Throw an idea at me like a fish!**


	8. Chapter 8

The Ultimate Banana Lord. Of all the ridiculous things in this whole stupid world… and Captain even _knew_ it was stupid. I think. It was hard to say, sometimes.

I decided to scout ahead a bit, pulling away from Captain's warm grasp. It was very quiet in the wasteland, which wasn't terribly unusual, but even the roaring wind seemed to be holding its breath. Eerie. I got the aching feeling that something really bad was going to happen. Funnily enough, I got that feeling surprisingly often.

I decided to start prepping statements which would seem very witty if someone asked me "any last words?" "Pizza is not a vegetable" was a clever one, and I knew I was going to have a hard time topping it.

_Hmm,_ I thought as I peered around a pile. _How about "oh no, not again"? That seems fitting. I might want to save that for a particularly spectacular one, though. If this is just a small dangerous situation, maybe I'll just sigh and say "oh dear" or "why do these things always happen to me?"_

My footsteps were silent amongst the rocks, but it was all for nought because the party of three behind me were making enough noise to thoroughly lose any possible chance of a stealthy entry. I let out a tiny sigh. _Those three will be the death of me._

I might have heard it, at first, if not for my noisy companions. It probably started off as a small pebble falling to the ground. If I had been paying attention, I might have noticed something amiss. I was a little bit farther ahead, so it took me a few minutes to notice when dead silence fell over the wasteland. I started to pick my way back, urgency growing in my heart, until I found what I had feared.

They were gone.

_Shit._

I searched around, finding the suspected boot prints leading off into a different direction. My stomach clenched when I saw little splatters of blood on the ground and marks as though something—or, more likely, someone—was dragged through the dust and snow.

I followed the path as stealthily as I could, keeping a low profile and my weapon at the ready. I didn't at all recognize where we were. That was a bad sign. But I couldn't stop, now, not with my team's lives at stake.

_They may already be dead,_ I thought.

No. Not possible. They wouldn't take them prisoner if they were _dead._ Stupid.

A warehouse peered at me from around the corner. A little cliché, and it reminded me of the day of the Cancer incident (which I have firmly tried to blot from my memory). I decided try and find an alternate entrance. I couldn't find one, not at first, but I did find a hole in the wall where I could peer through to the spacious interior.

"They don't see to have that many supplies, sir."

"What _do_ they have?"

"Let's see… a jump rope, a frying pan, a doorknob, what looks like the leg of a chair and a ball of yarn."

I didn't recognize these voices. I saw five men standing around the backpack, examining the contents. They also had Captain's mug and Pilot's katana. I couldn't see my team members, at first, until one of the men walked over to the corner with a lantern and the light fell on them. All three were seemingly unconscious, their hands and feet bound and Pilot had a sickening pool of blood around his left shoulder.

Judging from my angle, I could probably pick the men off with my rifle from right where I was. I popped open the compartment to see how many rounds I had left.

I only had three. Damn it.

I clicked it shut again and took aim, formulating a plan in my head. Before I could pull the trigger, I saw Captain sit bolt upright with a German exclamation that I didn't understand, but I could tell that it wasn't very polite. I pause for a minute, watching the following scene unfold.

"What is this?" yelled Captain, rousing his other two minions. "Who are the boobs that have kidnapped us? This isn't a Hollywood thriller, you know!" He tried to get to his feet and failed.

The men chuckled, watching them struggle, and levelled a gun between Captain's eyes. I started seething. If that man who was threatening _my_ captain so much as _twitched,_ he'd be missing his head.

My captain?

I didn't have time to process that thought, now.

Apparently the kidnappers threatened Captain, but he scoffed and said, "Kill us? Ridiculous. You are missing one. Mien Sniper will come and shoot you all in the gizzards!"

"Sniper?" asked one of the men worriedly.

The apparent leader shook his head, not totally convincingly. "He's a lunatic."

Gromov's eyes were probing the darkness, his mind clearly running in circles. I think he spotted me, because he stared at my hole in the wall for a good long time, gave an almost unnoticeable nod, then directed his gaze back towards the situation at hand.

Pilot was kicking at his ropes. They looked close to being freed, and I'm guessing the kidnappers didn't think much of the aviator because A) he acted like a child and B) he really wasn't all that big.

I planned carefully, foolishly hinging the situation on Captain's luck and Pilot's ninja reflexes.

I was glad for the silencer on my gun when I shot one of the men towards the back. Two others saw him crumple and rushed over. Another man dropped down with a pull of the trigger. The leader started to yell at his remaining men.

"Shit," one of them said. "There _is_ a sniper! Get down!"

I didn't have to do any more. Pilot had freed himself of his bonds and had lunged across the room for his katana. I didn't bother to watch what happened next. I was racing around the warehouse and ducking inside. By the time I got there, Pilot was standing on a sea of blood, Engie was curled up in the corner, and Captain had his precious mug back.

He tilted his head at me when he noticed me come in. I could hear the smile in his voice when he said, "See? I knew my Snippy-Sniper would come for me!" He threw his arms around me and exclaimed, "My hero!" He clicked our masks together like a sort of kiss before running off to collect up the supplies.

Gromov was too badly shaken to comment on this exchange, and Pilot was too busy being praised by Captain to care.

My heard thudded loudly and I tried to calm myself, blaming my accelerated pulse on the situation at hand, _not_ on Captain.

Phew. Dodged a bullet, there.

"Pilot!" yelled Captain, throwing the backpack at Gromov. "I believe you have earned yourself a hug. Consult the Senior Hugging Officer!" He pointed dramatically at me.

Oh, no…

Pilot threw himself at me, his arms going around my neck. I awkwardly patted his back and he growled a little at me, so I embraced him more fully. It was a bit like being strangled by a leather python that smelled like blood and brimstone.

After a minute, he pulled away and said disdainfully, "Captain is right. You do give good hugs."

"Thanks."

He shoved me away, and the four of us left the building to head onwards to the Ultimate Banana Lord.

"Over the river and through the woods past Grandmother's house we go!" sang Captain.

I laughed softly, still tired from the exciting adventure. I got that icky feeling in the pit of my stomach that always happened when I saw someone die by my hands. I hated killing people, particularly now that we were an endangered species.

He linked our arms together. I caught a glare from Pilot but decided to ignore it, as Captain was doing.

"You seem distressed, mein sniper," said Captain thoughtfully. "Your marksmanship was admirable. I thought that would make you happy."

I let out a small sigh. "I don't like killing people."

"Why?"

"_Why?_" I blustered. Where would I even _begin_ with a question like that? I decided to let it slip for the moment. He probably couldn't wrap his head around morality, anyway.

He rested his head on my shoulder as we walked. "I love it when you use your gun, Mister Snippy! So manly!"

"Bwah? Uh… Thanks, I guess…"

He waved a hand. "Do not mention it again until I say so. In the meantime, we have a Banana to find! PILOT!"

As usual, the loyal minion raced to be at his Captain's side. Captain then pulled away a little reluctantly and Pilot got up onto his shoulders, so they promptly flew away.

"Um… Charles?"

I frowned and turned to Gromov. "_Don't_ call me that."

I heard him sigh and say, "Snippy. Right. I-I just wanted to say thanks. For… you know…"

"Saving your sorry ass?"

"Yeah. That." He looked at the ground, fiddling with the straps on his backpack. "Snippy, I was wondering if you could teach me how to shoot a gun."

"Why?" I asked coldly, even though I knew the answer. I just wanted him to spell it out.

He sighed. "Because I'm defenceless and I can do dick-all. So will you teach me?"

"I'll consider it."

"Thanks."

**Not much to say about this here chapter. Just that it was kinda unexpected. *shrugs***


	9. Chapter 9

**Hoo, boy. Took me a while. Sorry. Still getting over school AUGH MATH IS HARD HALP.**

**As usual, open to suggestions. :)**

I knew that when Gromov asked me to teach him how to shoot a gun, he was doing it to either A) suck up to me and my unfortunate weakness for pathetic things or B) he wanted to kill us during the night.

So, no. I'm not going to.

Captain linked our arms together again and tried to skip along merrily, singing "Tiptoe Through the Tulips", but I politely and firmly refused to sing and—_god forbid—_go _skipping_. No. I had enough manhood issues, thank you, due to Pilot and Captain dressing me up in various princess costumes while I was asleep.

So I trudged along behind the others, making sure they were alright. This was a good system until Pilot saw something shiny in the distance, gasped dramatically, and took off like a black and green bullet.

I growled. _Goddammit, not again!_

Captain went whizzing after him, making plane or train noises, hard to say which. I grabbed Gromov by the sleeve and dragged him along behind me, not caring about his frightened squeaks. I hauled ass as the two lunatics caromed over garbage cans and wrecked cars, eventually squealing to an abrupt halt in front of a skyscraper—thirty stories, easily. I crashed into Captain, who crashed into Pilot, and Gromov ended up on the ground on top of the three of us.

"Mien Sniper!" said Captain in mock-breathlessness. "Now's not the time to get fresh with me!"

_Huh? Is he suggesting I'm feeling him up? Ew._

Gromov snorted. I elbowed him in the ribcage as I tried to get to my knees. I could hear Pilot thumping at the ground, trying to claw out from under the three of us.

"Mayday, mayday!" he squawked. "Damage assessment: excessive bruises, no fractures or breaks!"

Okay, I might as well give up trying to figure out what he means. For that last bit, he sounded kinda like a computer. Oh well. Might be residual from when ANNET was hooked up to him.

I shoved Gromov off and got to my feet, holding out a hand to Captain. He took it, pulling himself upright. His weight surprised me slightly, so I was yanked into him. He held my hand for a few achingly long moments, tracing his thumb across my knuckles and making uncomfortable eye contact. I wriggled out of his iron grip before Pilot or Gromov could see. No. I still wasn't comfortable with this _thing_ that we had, whatever it was.

Pilot and Captain zoomed up into the skyscraper and I was forced to follow them, Gromov tailing along behind. I assumed that they would be going straight to the top, and I was right. I usually am, though for some reason that fact seems to surprise people.

I heard Captain say, "Pity the elevator is out of order!"

"Sir, indeed, Sir!" Pilot's voice bounced off and around the walls of the vacant building.

Good lord.

Gromov and I reached the top floor in no hurry, but when I got there I let out a loud laugh. The "Ultimate Banana Lord" was, as it turned out, a large plush banana with huge plastic eyes and some kind of company logo stitched on the side. I honestly have no idea how they knew it was there, if or when they even put it there, especially since we hadn't been to this side of the city in a long, long while. Pilot now was bowing to it exaggeratedly and Captain seemed to be sharing a few words with the toy, gesturing wildly.

Gromov stared at them, "What's happening?"

"It's safer not to ask those kinds of questions," I said sagely. I decided to do a quick security check and look around. I was still a little ruffled after that scare with the other survivors. After testing the floor very carefully and watching Pilot do what appeared to be a Scottish highland dance for the Ultimate Banana Lord, I stopped to peer out the windows. The buildings were tipped and tilted at funny angles, as far as the eye could see, all in various states of disarray. I must have been standing there for a little while, my hands resting on the windowsill, because when I looked back to the room, Engie and Pilot were long gone. I couldn't see Captain.

I jumped when I felt a pair of hands on my waist, and a chin on my shoulder. "Enjoying the view, Mister Snippy?"

It was almost creepy when he wasn't speaking at full volume. I really ought to learn to get used to it.

I sighed and nodded. "Yeah. It's kinda pretty, in a sad sort of way."

"Mm."

He nestled up against me, humming contentedly.

"We should get going," I said lamely, trying to wiggle away. "You know… the others are…"

His fingers dug into my sides so much that it hurt. "No. They'll be fine for a minute or two longer."

"Oh… O-okay…" My face felt hot under my mask, especially when he pulled back my hook and pressed his cheek to my hair. Wait, he took his mask off?

I turned around in time to see him flash me a dazzling grin before replacing his gas mask. It left me feeling slightly breathless, especially because I had this warm feeling that told me he was smiling _for me._ I don't know why I liked that thought, I just did.

This is the point where he hugged me again. Okay, I admit it. I really like Captain's hugs. He's clingy like an octopus and seems to have way too many hands. He envelopes me in warmth, squeezing me almost too tight and resting his chin on my shoulder affectionately. Altogether, it feels overwhelmingly warm and _safe._ So, so safe. I can almost forget for a moment that we're out in the wasteland, fighting for our survival, and everyone is dead. And for a small, very small moment, I felt a soft spot in my heart just for him. Most frightening of all, that little soft spot was growing as I watched.

I coughed and nudged him away a little. "Uh… Those guys will probably be lost without their leader, right?"

"What?" He pulled away. "Oh, of course! They will be very much lost without their captain, and unsafe without mein sniper! Come along, Charles."

Why did my name sound so good in his corny accent? I don't know. I might never know. I sighed and trudged along behind him, down all thirty flights of stairs.

"It's getting late," said Gromov when we reappeared. "We should make camp."

"Let's just walk back to base," I said, not keen to run around, looking for a safe place to sleep while everyone else just sat on their asses. "We have a few hours of daylight left. We might as well hike back. It's only about ten kilometres, give or take."

Gromov sighed and fell into step behind us.

Captain put an arm around my shoulders again. I wanted to shrug out of it, but judging on the way his fingers dug into my shoulder, I guessed that wasn't going to happen. He pulled me flush against his side, humming a song again. I _swear_ I had no choice but to let my head loll on his shoulder as we trudged across the dismal landscape.

So I misjudged the distance slightly. Turns out it was more of a twenty-K walk. Oops.

Either way, all four of us were beaten down and exhausted after a stupidly long day. Pilot flopped into the bathtub upon reaching our base.

"Tired," he moaned, his legs dangling out of the tub. "Food?"

I sighed, loathing my sense of kindness as I handed him a can of open food and stomped out. He didn't come out again, so I assume he fell asleep after finishing his supper.

Gromov found a soft spot in the corner, and I had the couch. I wasn't surprised when Captain performed his usual ritual of standing above me and staring me down for a solid hour or so until I was _this close_ to falling asleep.

Just as I was drifting off, I heard the sounds of him removing his mask, and he pushed up the hair on my forehead and pressed a soft, warm kiss there.

"Goodnight, mein Snippy-Sniper," he said before walking off, his boots echoing around the silent room.

That was it. I was wide awake. No sleep for me, that night. At least not until fingers of daylight stroked the horizon.

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